Joy.

It has been a wonderful evening. I had the chance to get dinner with one of my friends. We haven't talked in a while, but our conversation did not stay on the surface. There was no talk of the weather, (which is actually conversation worthy tonight), but instead talked about the things that really matter to us. It was very refreshing. We didn't have to waste time with small talk, but instead just jumped into our lives. As we sat there eating soup and drinking tea I felt a lot of the pressure I have been feeling the past few days melt away.

Later, we worked together on the many projects that we have to do this week and it was again refreshing. She sat with me while I worked on something that I have struggled to finish. It was so nice to be able to cross things off my list. We just sat in silence, listened to Michael Buble and the rain. I am so grateful for moments like tonight. I loved sitting and being with someone.

Something that I am coming to realize especially after nights like tonight is this: "We have to experience grief in order to experience true joy." Though everything in me rebels against that statement, I think it carries a level of truth. Tragic things in life enable us to appreciate joy in a way we could not previously. It was wonderful to be able to experience joy in the sound of rain, the silence of friendship and the warmth of tea.

Learning.

I am learning a lot right now. To be completely honest learning is exhausting. I have come to the realization that I have a choice to make. I have the power to apply the things I am learning, but I also have the power to pretend they don't exist.

Here are a few things I am learning:

1) God is big, I am small.

2) I am not as patient as I would like to imagine.

3) I express myself best with art.

4) Change is bittersweet.

5) The best conversations are often the most humbling.

6) It is good to experience a range of emotions: anger, peace, sadness, joy.

7) The sun always rises in the morning.

8) I am stronger than I realize, only because of Jesus.

9) Making dinner and sharing it with other people is beautiful.

10) Lists and calendars will only get me so far...

11) Things do not always have to be even, neat or perfect to be good.

"Keep me safe, O God,

I've run for dear life to you.

I say to God, 'Be my Lord!'

Without you, nothing makes sense.

And these God-chosen lives all around--

what splendid friends they make!

Don' t just go shopping around for a god.

Gods are not for sale.

I swear I'll never treat god-names

like brand-names.

My choice is you God, first and only.

And now I find I'm your choice!

You set me up with a house and year.

And then you made me your heir!

The wise counsel God give when I'm awake

is confirmed by my sleeping heart.

Day and night I'll stick with God;

I've got a good thing going, and I'm not

letting go.

I'm happy from the inside out,

and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed.

You canceled my ticket to hell--

that's not my destination!

Now you've got my feet on the life path,

all radiant from the shining of your face.

Ever since you took my hand,

I'm on the right way."

Psalm 16 (The Message)

Farmers Markets...

Tonight I got to go to a farmers market. Farmers markets are one of the coolest things I can think of. Fresh fruit and veggies that are dirt cheap? I'm there. Supporting local farmers? Sounds great to me. Lots of people to watch? Done. Pluots for $1 a pound? YES! 

It is weird that being at a farmers market is the perfect way to begin a deep conversation. Tonight while walking through the the Clovis farmers market marveling at the beauty of the eggplant and peaches, reveling in all the sights and smells, I had one of those conversations that feel like a slap in the face. Typically a slap in the face would not be viewed as a good thing. It is painful and it generally mean that you are disagreeing with someone. Tonight a slap in the face was just the thing I needed. I think that friends that can get in your face and speak truth into your life are invaluable.  

On this Friday night in the middle of the Clovis farmers market I needed to be reminded that God is bigger I give him credit for. I needed to be told that I am putting God in a box and not trusting that he truly is in control of my life. It is such a basic statement but so complex to trust in. Even though it is hard to understand it is relieving. If God is bigger than my situations than that means there is a light at the end of the tunnel and hope for brighter days. Even typing that I feel dramatic, "brighter days," as if my days are dark, when in reality my life is pretty dang good. I am incredibly blessed. 

Another thing we talked about as we walked around downtown Clovis was the power of words. Whether words are written down or spoken there is power in language. My friend told me, "When you tell someone your struggle then it loses its power. When someone else knows a part of you that you are not proud of then you experience a sense of freedom." We decided that is why friendships are so important, we need people to know us and still love us for who we are. 

I love that my God is so amazing that he can use people to speak His truth into my life. In the midst of people running around, next to beautiful eggplant, while eating a pluot I can be put in my place by a loving God.

Magical Summer Evening.

I am a self proclaimed people person.

BUT...

I just spent a good part of this Friday night alone and it has been so fun. I went to Michael's which I am pretty sure is one of my favorite stores in the whole world. It just has almost all of the things that make my heart happy: Paint, canvases, paper, cards, pencils and the list goes on and on. Tonight I bought some paint for the canvas I am going to start. I am SO excited.

I needed to purchase a gift for my friend and her future husband (they will be married in about 15 hours, crazy!). So I ran across the street to Riverpark, the outdoor shopping mall. I generally just go there if I have a specific destination. I thought I did this time but I stumbled upon something so exciting. A dance festival. For some people this is not at all exciting, but for me, a free dance festival is the highlight of my week. I stop in Jamba Juice and got a Passion Fruit Iced Tea and then found myself a lamp poll to lean on. 

The sun was setting and there were tons of people hanging around the place where the dancing was happening. I just stood there, by myself in a crowd of people and felt insanely happy. As I watched girls dance scottish dances with swords, couples dance the lindy-hop, bellydancers and firedancers. I felt so at peace. For me, this has to be one of the perfect ways to spend the end of the summer. I think I liked stumbling upon this adventure by myself because I am rarely alone. I love people but sometimes I forget to go off on adventure by myself. 

After watching the dancing for about an hour, and making friends with the couple next to me. I headed into Borders where I found a word search book on clearance. A little known fact about me, I LOVE WORD SEARCHES. 

It was a good night. I am excited for tomorrow because I get to go to my friend's wedding and then for Sunday when I get to see Matt Nathanson and Jack's Mannequin in concert.

Life is good. 

Time to do a word search...or five.

Oh Summer.

Well, I am officially running out of days left in summer. It is depressing and overwhelming to look at the next couple of weeks and think about all of the million things I still need to do. Even though I am a firm supporter of lists and post its, I can't bring myself to make any lists. I think it is because once I have the list I feel like I actually have to do something about it. Probably just because it feels so dang good to cross something off your list. I always find myself writing things on my lists that I have already just done only so I can have the satisfaction of crossing them off.

I also love cleaning and organizing. Today Sarah and I spend the whole day cleaning out Fresno Pacific's Student Exec office. I loved being able to organize and throw trash away. It is one of the best feelings. Plus Sarah and I just spent the whole day cleaning, listening to music and laughing.

It was a good day. Plus we got to eat some delicious brownies later on in the evening.

The end of summer seems to be a good one.

Now I just need to start making lists...

What is home like?

Tonight I am sitting in the nice, clean apartment that I am living in this summer. The air conditioning in on and it is a cool comfortable temperature. I am not hungry in the slightest and I am drinking a glass of cool water. The apartment is clean and tidy even though three of us live here and a crazy cat roams the apartment. 

As I sat on the couch and read for my class, "Loving God, Loving Your Neighbor," I got this overwhelmed feeling. It is so easy for me to focus on the small details of my life that are not going well. I find myself focusing on the parts of my life I would like to "improve." Not necessarily because they are bad, but because I constantly want something bigger and better. What a sad mentality. I have everything I need: food, water, shelter, a job, family, friends. Really what do I want for... NOTHING.

Earlier this evening I went and read with my partner at the reading program I volunteer at by Easterby Elementary. Toni is my partner and she is the coolest 7th grade girl. She makes me smile with her devil-may-care attitude. The funny thing is that Toni really cares what people think about her. She craves my attention and affirmation. We are reading a Series of Unfortunate Events which is a silly book, but she likes it a lot. As she reads to me if she stutters or messes up on her pronunciation she immediately puts herself down. It is so hard for me to sit there and listen to her talk about how stupid she is. She is not stupid, she is very smart. Toni doesn't have parents who affirm her value and she gets shuffled from family to family. It is so heartbreaking to learn more about Toni's story. I feel hopeless and ineffective when I listen to the ways she has been hurt. 

My prayer for tonight is that Toni will be able to experience a night like I am experiencing tonight. I hope that she finds herself in an apartment or house with people who care about her. I hope she has plenty of food and things to make her comfortable. I also hope most of all that she lets me be her friend and be a constant person in her life. I feel that I have so much to learn from my reading partner. Toni is my neighbor and I pray that I will learn how to be her neighbor.  

This weekend was a very good weekend. Mostly because I got to hang out with my sister and friends, but also because it began on Friday. I think that pretty much any three day weekend is magical. 

Kylie came into town on Thursday night and we hung out and watched one of our favorite shows growing up... I Dream of Jeanie. (One of the best shows of ALL time) It was amazing to sit around and hang out with my best friend. Sometime I forget how much I miss spending time with Kylie. We didn't do anything spectacular while she was here, just did the things that make us happy. We ate chocolate, went and saw The Proposal and listened to Snow Patrol. I am so grateful Kylie is my sister, she is the best sister in the whole world. I am excited to see where life takes her after she graduates from High School. I think life just might take her to a lovely place called CBU. :) 

I also had a wonderful Saturday with my friends. We had our first Bible study of the summer. It was a perfect way to spend a Saturday. We met a French Cafe and talked about God and what it means to love him. Then I hung out at home with a good friend and we talked about nothing and everything. It was one of those conversations that I know I will be processing for the rest of the week. It was beautiful. Then to make the day even better Sarah, Julie, Holly and I were "crafty" and scrapbooked for the rest of the night.

This weekend has been good: good food, good conversations and wonderful people.